Friday, August 31, 2012

BlogElul: Excuses

"The only reason you ever have an excuse is because you're afraid of telling the truth." - David Levine, current Academy Fellow

Shabbat Shalom <3>

Thursday, August 30, 2012

BlogElul: Image

"People are so preoccupied with their own image that they don't even notice anyone elses image so it doesn't matter what your image is." --One of my students commenting on what they thought about image

I leave you all with the current image you would see if you were sitting next to me right now- 3 of my girls are sitting on my couch watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S., waiting in anticipation for the challah they made to finish baking so they could have a snack before bed!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

BlogElul: Change

It really is the season of change.

I hate change.

I've been trying to think about the most significant change I have made in my life.

I moved to the Universiy of Hartford when I was 18.
Two weeks later I dropped out and moved back in with my parents.
I enrolled in community college.
I spent the summer at the URJ Kutz Camp.
After that summer I made the decision to move to Kutz and finish up my last semester of community college.
From there I moved to Binghamton.
After college graduation I headed to Greensboro.

Those few months living at Kutz were life changing for me. I learned that I could be independent and survive. I learned that I could become completely responsible for myself. Most importantly, I learned that I could handle change. Whether I liked the change or not is a whole other story...

BlogElul: Memory

I've created a really cute activity after school this year called "Tea Time with Ms. Kossar." Last year, I was always asked if I had food for the kids to eat after school and I never did. This year, I am providing snacks and tea after school! It's a nice half an hour of helping the kids wind down after a long day of classes.

To ensure that there is enough hot water for anyone who wants, I use one of the big coffee urns. It is quiet loud as it initially heats up the water. The first few times I turned it on, I immediately was comforted by the low rumbling of the water being heated. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but the sound was so familiar! I thought about this for a while, and realized what it was! I went to just about every Shabbat service my synagogue offered consistently from about third grade until I graduated from high school. At the beginning of the service, the family that was hosting oneg would always turn on the coffee on at the start of services, making the same sound I was hearing at the start of my current tea time activity!

That familiar sound every Friday night in some ways signaled for me the start of Shabbat, and the signal for me to take a deep breath and relax!

It's funny how memory can trigger powerful, yet seemingly meaningless memories!

BlogElul: Blessing

When I was at BCI several summers ago, I remember a Beit Midrash session when we were asked to learn about the person sitting next to us and then offer them a blessing. Then, we switched, and the other person received the blessing.

What does it mean to give a blessing, or to receive one?

When I think about blessings, I think about Friday nights here at the Academy. After we sing Shalom Aleichem it is our minhag for House Teams to bless the students in their House. Different staff members take different approaches to this- some do one communal blessing in English with good wishes for the week to come. Others offer a blessing to the House as a group using the traditional Hebrew words. It has become my own minhag recite the traditional Hebrew words for each individual student in my House. I like this partly because I like ritual that has a history. I also like this because it is the one time during the week that my attention is directly focused on one student at a time. Throughout the week I find myself with very little time for intentional personal attention for my students on an individual basis. For me, this is a way to connect with each of my girls in a positive Jewish way.

When I moved to the Academy, my dear friend took it upon herself to bless all of the Fellows. I am the only Fellow from that year still working at the Academy, and the tradition has continued. Having my friend bless me is often a very much needed reminder for me to make sure to acknowledge the blessings in my own life, and that there are people who care about and watch out for me.

Giving and receiving blessings has enriched my Shabbat experience since moving South. When do you experience blessings in your life? What do you think it means to give a blessing?

Sunday, August 26, 2012

BlogElul: Prayer

This will probably contradict my other blog posts thus far, but I love prayer. I love the communal connection and the time for personal reflection. It's also one of the few times of the day where I don't feel any pressure to be doing anything out of my comfort zone- I just need to be.

When I was in 5th grade my life was turned upside down when my Mom was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease- the same type of cancer that killed her father when she was young. I don't think I really understood what was going on- people kept asking me how I was doing, how my Mom was doing and looking at me kind of funny. She was put on our synagogue's mi shebeirach list. The week after she was diagnosed I remember making my Dad take me to services. I needed to be in the only place that really felt like home- like normal. It was there where I felt safe and, when hearing my Mom's name, it was okay to cry.

I don't really think that prayer changes the outcome of peoples' illness. If that were the case, a lot more people I knew would still be alive today. Why does prayer matter then? I think that prayer is most effective for the caregivers and those thinking about the person actually sick. Prayer makes those people praying for others stronger, more connected to their support system. The concept of something like a Mi Shebeirach list is also a reminder for the community to check in with the family and friends of the person who is sick, in addition to visiting the loved one who is actually ill.

While I pray that all of my loved ones stay off of my mi shebeirach list, I hope that those who do find themselves in need also find a community ready to embrace them.

"Prayer cannot bring water to parched field, nor mend a broken bridge, nor rebuild a ruined city. But prayer can water an arid soul, mend a broken heart or rebuild a weakened will."

BlogElul: Shofar

I love hearing the shofar. As a child, I only remember hearing the Shofar on the High Holidays. Since coming to the Academy 4 years ago, the sound of the Shofar has taken on a new meaning. We have a beautifully moving ceremony for all new students the day they move on to campus. It involves having the flag of each country our new students represent carried by students from that respective country, student leaders carrying our Sifrei Torah into the room, parents blessing their children, etc. The last thing we do during that cermony is hear our Principal blow the shofar. The piercing sound of the shofar on that day is the Staff wake up call if we weren't paying attention already- our job has formally begun. We are now responsible for other people's children.

May the sound of this years shofar awaken in all of us a sense of newness and renewal, preparing us for a year of endless possibilites! Shanah Tovah.

Friday, August 24, 2012

BlogElul: Faith

I just asked my friend to share his funniest quote on faith and he told me to google Ambrose Bierce, who is a devout Atheist. I complained that the quotes he had weren't very funny so then he said "I have little expectations of God, and I believe that God has little expectations of me."

I don't actually think that what he said is really connected to faith...and I also disagree. Depending on what mood you catch me in I might say that I believe in God. I think that God absolutely has high expectations for me which is why I have high expectations for God. I think that this is why I sometimes feel like the world is against me.

On a positive note (for a change), I do have faith. I have faith in my friends. I usually have faith in myself. I have faith that I am on the path I was meant to be on, even if it does not look like what I had previously envisioned. The Jewish community gives me faith- I believe in the power of people coming together with shared goals and values.

As we go into Shabbat tonight, may we all find faith in whichever community we choose to spend time with.

Shabbat Shalom!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

BlogElul: Trust

This is a hard one for me. I was raised thinking that I couldn't trust anyone. My experiences growing up in the Reform Movement helped me to learn how to begin to trust others. In my synagogue there were countless Rabbis, Cantors, Educators and temple members who were there for me and modeled for me what it meant to build a Jewish community. I went away to the URJ Kutz Camp for the first time after my sophomore year of high school and became connected to a place and group of people that helped me to begin to open myself up to others rather than be afraid to trust. The staff and campers alike became my family. I began to work at that camp after I graduated from high school. When I needed a place to stay well after the summer ended, camp leadership offered me housing and a job. I don't know if I would have gotten through college without the kindness and generosity of those who kept me going through high school and college.
At the beginning of each school year at the Academy "trust" is a word said often on campus. It is my job to gain the trust of new students, parents and staff members. Each year in August there is a moment where it hits me that parents are trusting me to care for their children for the year. That's a giant responsibility!
How does one build trust? How does one learn to rebuild trust after it is broken? May we all find people in our lives this coming year who we can trust, and who trust us in return.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

BlogElul: Counting

I'm always counting.
I count POSHing totals for the 116 boarding students at the Academy.
I count the 22 students in my House every night I am on duty.
I count the 3 hours between meat and dairy.
I count myself and (hopefully) 9 others in minyan every Shabbat.

We Jews like to count. When I turned thirteen I really embraced the whole idea of becoming an adult in the eyes of the Jewish community. Suddenly, I mattered. In my small congregation growing up, my service attendance was valued and encouraged. At camp, I remember having a debate about whether or not the Torah could count as the 10th for a minyan. We often needed to count some geese to reach that quorum of 10. 
When I was in college I encountered Orthodox Judaism on my own terms for the first time. I struggled with the idea of not being counted in a minyan. I wanted to contribute to the community in a way that was meaningful to me. I didn't know how else to connect to prayer besides being counted in the community. At the same time, I admired the Orthodox community's devotion and serious approach to Judaism. 

In recent years I've tried to stop counting so much. If I focus on how many more days until something, or how many hours until something is over, I lose something. 
How do we focus on the present, when all we can seem to do is constantly countdown to something else?


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

BlogElul: Intentions

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions" -said by my friend who probably doesn't want me to use her name (not sure where this originally comes from.)

I didn't realize this about myself until I became more of an adult (whatever that means...), but I can be very snarky, sarcastic and cynical. Some may see this as pessimism, but I just see it as being a realistic optimist. 
I think that good intentions are at the core of every human being. However, good intentions mean nothing if the end result is nothing good. How can we work to have our good intentions become more than just intentions? How can we encourage the young people we mentor to do the same? Habits form early, and the earlier in life we can guide youth towards more than just good intentions is setting them up to travel towards, as my friend said, something other than hell.


Monday, August 20, 2012

BlogElul: Inventory

During the days leading up to Rosh Hashana, it is customary for many Jews to take a spiritual inventory of themselves. I'm generally someone who is interested in spirituality, but I become a little uncomfortable with a lot of God talk. I've spent a lot of my life wondering where God is. It makes me angry to hear things like- God is everywhere, you just need to look. Or, you're not supposed to understand God, that's why we describe God as a force bigger than ourselves. It's just too intangible for me. I absolutely feel a connection between myself and other people, and myself and community. Do I feel connected to a God? Not really. So much of our liturgy is filled with God talk. If I start to pay too much attention to my siddur during t'fillot I get really distracted. I'm sometimes not sure what I believe if I don't fully believe in God. Sometimes I wonder why I love services so much. I then remember the music. It stirs something deep inside of me that I can't explain. I'm sure some people would call that God. I just call it good music.
When you are taking a spiritual inventory, what do you notice? What do you need in the coming year to enhance your spirituality?

Sunday, August 19, 2012

BlogElul: Return


"Reurn again, return again, return to the land of your soul.
Return again, return again, return to the land of your soul.
Return to who you are, return to what you are, return to where you are. 
Born and reborn again.
Return again, return again, return to the land of your soul."
-Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach z"l 

I've heard this song several times in different contexts that are important to me, so whenever I hear it now I am instantly brought back to those places- BCI, High Holiday services at RTOS. I appreciate this song so much that I even have it in my iTunes. 

While I love the melody, the concept of "returning" is something that I find challenging. I often find it difficult to move on from the parts of my life that have been a struggle. I don't want to go back to who I was at a certain time in my life- I've worked hard to get to where I am now. 

I do, however, appreciate and value the idea of not losing oneself in the process of discovering who you are. I often feel lost on my Jewish journey. I sometimes just want someone to tell me exactly how to practice Judaism in a way that will be meaningful to me. When I think back to how I practiced Judaism just ten years ago, I am amazed by how much I have changed. What I find most remarkable is that regardless of how far I stray from my Reform Jewish upbringing, certain aspects of liberal Judaism still make me feel most connected Jewishly. 
So, my question still remains. Do we need to return? 



Friday, August 10, 2012

BlogElul


My friend Phyllis Sommer has a blogging project that she shared with my HUC cohort as a way to keep in touch and to make the days leading up to the Jewish holidays more meaningful.

I never turn down a blogging challenge, so check back here August 19th!

Feel free to comment, start your own blog, and share this great idea with your friends!