What do I do now?

In the process of applying to be at BCI I've learned that it is a really special program, and something I'm really hoping that I'm given the chance to participate in. I had never heard of BCI before my friend started to work for the program, and now all of a sudden numerous important people in my life are raving about the program, sharing their stories about all that they learned when they were participants many summers ago.

I wasn't sure if I could really afford to not work for a summer, and I also wasn't sure if I would get out of doing another Jewish summer program. The last few years of my life have left me very confused Jewishly. My Jewish identity used to be something I was very sure about. I was a Reform Jew. There was nothing about that identity that bothered me. In fact, I embraced it and loved it (and found a wonderful community to call home.) I developed leadership skills at Kutz, in NFTY, and in my synagogue. I loved the idea of 'choice through knowledge' and spent much of high school acting on that idea- making educated choices about how I wanted to practice my Judaism. 

College exposed me to so many different ways of practicing Judaism. I've always loved ritual. Suddenly, I found myself exploring communities that practiced Judaism using rituals I was not accustomed to using. I was so eager to learn and tried to soak up all that I could. Now I find myself always floating between different communities, torn between who I used to be and who I think I want to ultimately become. 

I now feel like I practice Judaism in a way that so many people in my life don't understand. It frustrates me and makes me sad. How do I explain the peacefulness I get from shutting off my cell phone and turning off my computer each Friday afternoon? How do I explain the joy I get from singing my favorite Shabbat songs or praying during services? How do I explain the feeling of connection I feel from being in a community of people that (for the most part) just get it? I don't know how to explain how much things like Shabbat mean to me, if it doesn't mean anything to others. 

I love the fact that I'm at the point know where I can honestly say that I think of my Judaism as beyond the dividing denominations. Now I am just totally confused about how to figure out what kind of Rabbinical School I want to go to, what kind of Rabbi I want to be, and ultimately, what kind of Jew I want to be.

I feel like all of this confusion can't be good for my head...

Finding God on the basketball court...

During my last semester of college, I found myself being asked a lot of tough questions (coming from both myself, and other people.) My Hillel Rabbi always managed to ask me the type of questions that kept me up at night. One day towards the end of my last semester he had to ask the tough one. God. "What are going to say to the kids who have the God questions?" In my head I panicked, having no idea how to respond to a question like that. For a while, I also panicked that I had chosen the wrong job and wrong career path. After my anxiety subsided, my Rabbi reminded me that most God questions aren't necessarily about God, and more have to do with why things happen the way they do. Or at least that's what I understood.

As a Jewish Life fellow here I get to help create a lot of interesting Jewish programs. At our last meeting we were introduced to a program that didn't necessarily need our help, it was just something that was happening, so we should know about it. We offered a Shabbat minyan alternative- a panel discussion called "Are you there God, it's me, AHA." Cute name. I was intrigued by the program and was looking forward to observing it this Shabbat. Then I got an e-mail asking me to be a part of the panel. 

What? I thought I wasn't going to really need to talk about God? As soon as I found out who the other people on the panel were, I tried to figure out what perspective I was supposed to bring to the table. You had the Orthodox Jew, the academic, the therapist...and me. I tried to figure out what God answer I was expected to give based on the others around me...and then I realized that that wasn't the point.

I've never been asked to speak about God in a public way, and I was really nervous. I said things that surprised me, if that makes any sense.

I spoke about the few times I feel as thought I have felt God in my life, using examples from the 10th grade confirmation essay I had to write several years ago. I felt God when I made a 3 point shot during a basketball game. I felt God when I was in the middle of a mosh pit of teenagers during a NFTY song session. I also felt God during my summers working at Kutz when I was able to communicate with one of my non-verbal teens on the autistic spectrum. I realized all of these experiences have a common thread- my interactions with other people. I cannot recall a time where I have felt God's strong presence without being a part of a community.

I wonder how I get to that point? How does one encounter God on an individual basis? Is it bad that I haven't been able to feel God without being present with others? 

I don't know. I think that I have to get used to that. Thank you Deans of Jewish life for asking me to be involved with things that keep me up at night just thinking...