#BlogElul: Change

This was a duplicate prompt, so I'll be short and sweet.
Here is what I learned this week:
Change is hard, and I need to be kind and patient with myself.

#BlogElul: Judge

It is REALLY hard to stop yourself from judging people when you first meet them. I mean really hard. I find this kind of funny because I certainly don't want people judging me! Since I'm going through orientation for school right now, I'm meeting a bunch of new people. With the month of Elul and its themes running through my head, I'm trying my hardest not judge anyone and experience these new relationships by staying as open-minded as possible!

#BlogElul: Ask

Many anxiety filled months have led up to this day- the day I move to New York City. I somehow made it. I set up my living room and kitchen area, figure out how to get out of the building, enjoyed walking through Barnard and Columbia Orientation and found food to eat! I also successfully set-up wireless, something that concerned me when I bought this lovely google chromebook.

Getting to this point has required me to ask people for lots of help. That's not something I'm very good at. Incredibly generous friends helped me (physically and emotionally) get from North Carolina to New York. I learned who I can count on to truly be there for me. It's comforting to know that I have people in my life who I can call at 3am. They know just what to say, the right questions to ask and how to get me laughing again. Being new to a city, I guess I'm going to have to get used to asking for help...

#BlogElul: Pray

I love prayer. It's actually one of my favorite aspects of Judaism. I've always found meaning in leading services. I think that liturgy is fascinating. I find prayer to be simultaneously comforting, inspiring and challenging. I've been blessed with the opportunity to teach prayer many times. During my time in Greensboro I was a teaching intern in liturgy and synagogue skills classes. I eventually got to teach my own synagogue skills classes. I also taught prayer in the local Hebrew school. I find it especially interesting that I am so drawn to prayer because I struggle with Hebrew- something I'm hoping to overcome this school year!

As much as I love prayer, I've really been struggling with it this past year. I know it has a lot to do with what is going on in my life, but I still want to figure out how to make it meaningful again. I'm moving to NYC in the morning, so I'll have the chance to explore many different prayer communities if I choose to do so!

#BlogElul: Awaken

"Am I awake? Am I prepared? Are you listening? To my prayer?
Can you hear my voice? Can you understand? Am I awake? Am I prepared?" -Noah Aronson

I first heard this song when I met Noah Aronson at NewCAJE a few summers ago. I rarely find a melody that has words that also move me. It's often one or the other. The words and melody are inspiring and uplifting (and I can play it on guitar, which is always a plus). The idea of being awake is prevalent during this time of Elul. If we are awake and in tune to ourselves, we can figure out what we need to do in the following year. One way I try and be in tune with myself is through prayer. The song by Noah Aronson has become a melody that I've used several times to begin t'fillot when I am leading. So much of the song gets at the heart of the hagim. May we all be awake this holiday season!

#BlogElul: Change

While living with teens for four years, I noticed that girls change their outfits A LOT. I don't remember doing this in high school, but maybe I did. I only remember owning and wearing a lot of shirts with words on them representing my love of NFTY. On a Sunday I once had a conversation with a student who changed her clothes 5 times! That's ridiculous. She had reasons for why she changed so frequently. I guess I don't put a ton of thought into what I wear. For my students, clothes are an extension of themselves, a way for them to individually express themselves. For me, well, I'm usually lucky if I can find something clean in the morning...

One of my better outfits:

#BlogElul: Learn

Top 10 things I learned while working at AHA (in no particular order)
10. Food makes people happy
9. I can function on very little sleep
8. Parents are usually right
7. It's okay that I don't know everything
6. A hug can fix most things
5. You are never too old for arts and crafts
4. I am passionate about Jewish education
3. I love liturgy
2. Friends can really become your family
1. I'll be a really good Mom one day

#BlogElul: Remember

I was going to apologize for writing about the same thing during all of Elul- my move. I decided not to because it's my blog and I can write what I want. Also, this move is a giant transition for me, so it makes sense that it is all that I'm thinking about.

I am trying to remember everything I did when I transferred to Binghamton because that transition was pretty easy for me, and I loved my time there. I don't actually remember my orientation all that well. I remember really liking the people I lived with. Most of us became friends pretty quickly. I felt pretty comfortable in my surroundings surprisingly quickly. A friend suggested that I try and make plans in the city once I get there so I have things to look forward to. I'm having a Binghamton reunion almost every day next week!

I think I have all of the essentials, and for once I'm not living in the middle of nowhere so I can buy what I need when I figure out that I need it. Just 5 more days!

#BlogElul: Forgive

I really have nothing profound to say about forgiveness, to be honest. Judaism says we should all be open to forgiveness, and ask for it when necessary. I think it's really dumb when people post on facebook or send a mass e-mail asking for forgiveness for anything they've done in the past year. Do people actually write back to those things? I doubt it.


If I'm done something to offend you in the past year, feel free to call me...just don't post something random via social media because I'll probably just ignore it.

#BlogElul: Trust

I've been thinking a lot about trust lately.

I trust that I'm smart enough to do well in grad school.
I trust that I will eventually remember how to study.
I trust that I'll eventually make NYC feel like home.
I trust that I will find a good community of friends in NY.
I trust that I will be able to find a comfortable prayer community.
I trust that I will find a way to continue to improve my guitar playing.
I trust that I will find a fun way to be active.
I trust that I will find a way to make cooking for myself a fun activity.
I trust that I will come to enjoy the fact that for the next three years, I'm really only responsible for myself.
I trust that, no matter how painful this transition is, I am ready for it.

#BlogElul: Count

I feel like all I've been doing this past year is counting. I made a decision at some point over the course of the  past year that it was my last year at AHA (at least for now). I counted down all of the major AHA events I had come to know and love. I counted down the days leading up to the day I took the GRE. I counted down the days until vacations. And then I counted down the days until students returned from breaks. The dreaded move out day that loomed over me. I honestly tried not to think about it. It was pretty painful to have to say goodbye to people that had become my family, and a place that felt like home. When I arrived in NY, I began to count down until Genesis. Towards the end of Genesis I started to countdown the days until I was back in NY. And now I'm counting down the days until I move to JTS. To be honest, this has been one of the most emotionally challenging times I've experienced in recent years. People keep telling me it's normal, that I'm making a big move. The only thing that I'm finding comforting is comparing this move to my move four years ago to Greensboro. I knew zero people in Greensboro. In NYC, my college roommates all live in the area, among many other old friends from other parts of my life.

For now, I'll continue to work on my deep breathing. In the spirit of counting, I move one week from tomorrow!

#BlogElul: See

When I was little I always wanted glasses. I thought they made people look really smart. At the not so young age of 24, my childhood dream came true. When I thought I was going to spend a year in Israel doing text study, I decided that it would be a good idea to make sure I was physically ready to go. I had a physical, dental exam, and I also decided to get my eyes checked. I'd never been to an ophthalmologist before. I'd always had 20/20 vision, so an eye exam never really crossed my mind. After staring at a bunch of eye charts for a few minutes, the doctor asked me if I ever get headaches. I laughed, thinking about the awful migraines I often got. Before I knew it I was picking out frames (this was quite a decision!) I now feel naked if I'm not wearing my glasses, and I sometimes even try to buy clothes that match my frames. To be honest, I don't know what I was thinking as a small child. I often find my glasses really annoying. However, it beats sticking my finger in my eyes for contacts!

#BlogElul: Hear

I just got a BCI (that summer program I did in CA) care package sent to me, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I had a bad day, and the package made me smile. When I saw that today's BlogElul theme was "hear" it reminded me of a specific activity we did at BCI. At one point, Gabe Goldman (an awesome outdoor experiential Jewish educator) led us on a walk. He instructed us to look up. He pointed out how our instinct is to look down the ground when we walk. I was surprised by how correct he was! I also noticed that when I looked up noticed more not just visually, but auditory as well. The whole experience with Gabe helped me to feel more open, and to be aware of what is going on around me through my senses. Try going for a walk and keep your head up, and let me know if you feel a difference!

#BlogElul: Believe

Just like almost every other post for Elul, I have no idea what to write. It's not because I don't believe in anything, I do. Lately, I've been working on believing in myself. During my time in Greensboro, I often did believe in myself. I had many reasons to believe that I was good at what I was doing, and the decisions I made were positive. Now I'm about to dive in academia. I have a very inconsistent academic track record, and I am determined to do well. I'm spending the is next year focusing a lot of my time on learning Hebrew. Hebrew has always been a big headache for me. I know that a lot of it is mental- I need to get over the fact that I've struggled with learning the language in the past. I need to believe that I can do it. I'm excited for all of the academic challenges that lie ahead. Months from now when I'm studying for a big Hebrew test, someone will need to remind me that I wrote this post!

#BlogElul: Be

I often like to remind myself of the difference between wants and needs. Sometimes I can't tell the difference.

This year, I want to be:

-engaged (not in the marriage sense, but I wouldn't be opposed to that either)
-creative
-passionate
-patient
-open
-supportive
-understanding
-prayerful

This year I need to be:

-studious
-welcomed
-focused
-on a budget
-making health decisions
-friendly
-kind to myself

#BlogElul: Do

After my first year of community college I spent the summer working at the URJ Kutz Camp. I had spent the school year spending many of my weekends at Kutz helping to run the retreat center. When I desperately needed a place to live for the next semester, some kind souls offered to let me stay at Kutz. It allowed me to continue to go to school, have a job and have a roof over my head (If you are reading this and helped make this possible for me, I cannot adequately express how grateful I am. Thank you!)

At the age of 20 (give or take a few years) while living at Kutz I understandably had a limited social circle. One dear friend at the time also lived and worked at Kutz. When I hear the word "do" I think of him. Why do I think of him? He used to find it hysterical when someone would say "do do" consecutively in a sentence. Real mature. Oh, don't worry, I also found it funny. While I may not laugh out loud if I heard it today, I'm certainly smiling on the inside.

I hope you weren't expecting a serious post. Sometimes we all just need to be able to laugh.

#BlogElul: Know

The older I get, the more I realize I don't know anything. I remember my first year as a Fellow at AHA. I thought I knew everything. I just graduated from college and successfully secured a job. What more did I need to know? Someone should have told me that I didn't know what I was taking about.  I remember thinking that my camp counselor experience would help me to shine residentially, and my Bachelor's Degree in Judaic studies would be all I need to be the teaching intern the Judaic Studies Department had every seen!

To make a long story short, I was wrong. Camp is only a month, or two months at the most. In the beginning of the school year, living at AHA felt like camp. I spent my nights helping my students wind down and spent a lot of time helping people through homesickness. Orientation was suddenly over and my kids started classes. At camp, there is a bubble. It's like the world outside of camp doesn't exists. To some extent, AHA has a bubble as well. However, you can't be out of touch with the rest of the world for 10 months out of the year. Whatever challenges my students needed help with became something we worked on the entire year. At camp, we often do what we can to help our campers with the understanding that it was short term. Sometimes, it was challenges like having a student on crutches for several months, or dealing with the loss of a family member. Those things don't just go away after a few months. The challenges my students threw at me always reminded me that I knew nothing, and had so much to learn about life. All I knew I could do was listen and give hugs. Lots of hugs.

#BlogElul: Accept

Writing every day is hard. Really hard. I'm hoping my posts get a little more creative (and maybe lengthy?) as the month progresses!

I find acceptance to be a funny thing. I feel like I'm a pretty accepting person, especially coming from a public school education and comparing that to my professional experience working at a private Jewish school. I am extremely liberal, and while I surround myself mostly with Jewish friends (it's the nature of the work, I guess) I interact pretty regularly with a diverse group of people. While I certainly accept and embrace others for who they are, I find acceptance most difficult when it comes to myself. There are things about me that I struggle with on a daily basis that I find hard to accept as part of my life. They are often the same things that other people in my life also struggle with, and I am always cheering them on. Why is it so much harder to accept things for myself?

#BlogElul: Bless

For a long time, I used to try and convince myself and others that I was an optimist. I felt like I was supposed to be one. As an aspiring Jewish professional, I think it might even be an expectation. To make myself sound less pessimistic, I sometimes use the phrase "realistic optimist" to describe my snarky self. If we're being totally honest here (which is probably a good goal during the month of Elul), I guess I'm pessimistic. I imagine that my outlook has a lot to do with my life circumstances, and where I am in life right now. I often really struggle with seeing the blessings in my life.

Here are the top 10 blessings in my life, as I get ready to enter 5774.

In no particular order, I am thankful for:

10) the roof over my head 

9) the opportunity to continue my education

8) friends in my life who are always there for me

7) mentors of mine who go above and beyond what is expected of them

6) my strong Jewish identity

5) technology allowing me to connect to friends all over the world

4) AHA for giving me a great first professional experience

3) the teens I have worked with since I was old enough to not be considered a teen who taught me so much about myself

2) my musical ability

1) my ability to laugh at myself

#BlogElul: Act

I'm already experiencing writer's block, and it's only day 2 of Elul. Today I did something, or an "act" to prepare for the hagim. I put some serious thought into how I want to spend the hagim. This is the first time it is completely my choice (some could argue I had choices in previous years, I guess). Until I graduated high school, I went to services where my parents belonged, and ate meals at home. When I was in community college, I celebrated Rosh Hashanah with my camp director, and at Binghamton, I spent the hagim with my Hillel. When I moved to Greensboro I spent the following four years working, and helping the hagim happen for the rest of the community. This year, the possibilities are endless! I am not responsible for anything, and am excited to experience the holidays in a part of the country where I am not the minority doing this. Hopefully the hagim will be an opportunity to meet new people and reconnect with old friends! Oh, and my classes start right around the same time...

Have you spent the hagim on the Upper West Side and found it really meaningful? Let me know where you went- I'm looking forward to hearing any and all suggestsion!

#BlogElul: Prepare

I feel like all I've been doing is preparing for what's next over these past few months. I spent the greater part of this past year preparing for my move from Greensboro to NYC. It was somewhat challenging to figure out the logisitics-getting my grad school apps done, figuring out what to do with all of my furniture, deciding how to get my belongings back to New York. In retrospect, that was the easy part. 

What I knew would be difficult but didn't really consider how to prepare for, was the emotional and spiritual preparation I would need to make this a successful transition. After all, I was leaving the place I called home for four incredible years. While I am extremely excited and grateful for the educational opportunities that the Jewish Theological Seminary present me, this move has me feeling extremely anxious to know what lies ahead. My life in Greensboro was very predictable, and now I'm about to begin a new chapter of my life with a lot of unknowns, and I find that very unsettling. 

As we enter the month of Elul, I'm looking forward to experiencing new Jewish communities in the area to prepare for hagim. How else do I prepare for this new year? I'm slowly filling out all of the paperwork I need for school. I'm interviewing for part time jobs. I'm registering for classes. What do you do to prepare for new transitions? I'm open to any and all suggestions!

Hodesh Tov!

My Educational Investigation at Genesis

One of my favorite parts of Genesis as an Educator, is how seriously Genesis takes education. The best example of this is that Community Educators and Interns are expected to explore an educational practice and reflect on it throughout the summer. I chose to examine the question, “How do I balance my personal prayer experience with my role as a prayer leader/educator?”

I chose to explore this question because I wanted to reflect on something I was personally invested in. I’ve led t’fillah in various settings since I was in high school. Until very recently I found t’fillah to be most meaningful when I was leading. Through my investigation, I wanted to figure out what was missing. How could I make prayer meaningful for myself again?

I interviewed and observed several Genesis and BIMA staff and faculty members to see what they had to say about my investigation. One person suggested that I redefine what prayer is. Another person suggested that it was okay to not find prayer meaningful at this very point in my life. That same person suggested that I spend time during the school year exploring how to make prayer meaningful to me as a participant, and take leading out of the equation. Another person suggested that I develop my own ritual to do before I begin leading services to set an intention for myself.

One of my new favorite teachers encouraged me to try and define t’fillah for myself. He suggested that t’fillah is a journey towards holiness. Thinking of t’fillah as a journey implied that the prayer leader has to move people from one place to another. While my investigation left me with more questions than answers, I am looking forward to continuing my investigation and reflection throughout the next year and beyond.

That uncomfortable feeling you get when you step out of your comfort zone...

One week ago I was packing up my life in Greensboro while figuring out how to say goodbye to my friends who have come family. At the same time, I was wondering how I accumulated so much crap? A few summers ago when I was a participant at the Brandeis Collegiate Institute, I spent an entire summer being encouraged (and often forced) to step out of my comfort zone. When I was uncomfortable, I knew I was doing it right. I was so willing to do this repeatedly, mostly because I was within a community that made me feel safe and cared for. It was okay to make mistakes and fail.

On Sunday I'll head to Brandeis University to work as a Community Educator for the Genesis program. I've heard such incredible things about this program, and am really excited to spend a summer with teens who want to explore their Judaism. I'm excited to see pluralism in action in a context other than AHA, and to see what I can learn in the process.

At the end of August I'll make the big move to New York City to get my Master's in Educational Leadership in Synagogues and Communal Settings at the Davidson School of the Jewish Theological Seminary.

Being completely overwhelmed by change is normal, right...?

I'm going to attempt to keep up this blog a little more regularly with insights from the summer and what I'm learning about at JTS, along with the ridiculous stories that will come out of me becoming a city girl.

Have you been holding out and hoping I'd write about a particular topic? Let me know what you would like me to be writing about. I'm open to suggestions!

#BlogExodus 1: Believing

I believe in the beauty of friendships.
I believe that a smile can really brighten someones day.
I believe that I have a purpose in the world.
I believe that the intense connections felt between people is God.
I believe that it truly is what's inside that matters.
I believe in the power of community.
I believe that one person can change the world.
I believe that music can transform people.
I believe that human touch is more powerful than we tend to acknowledge.
I believe that most people don't actually know how much they mean to you. So tell them.

Make for yourself a teacher and acquire for yourself a friend

Below is an article I was asked to write for the HUC blog in the Fall. It hasn't been published, but it might be in the future. Enjoy!

Just a few months ago I received my Certificate in Jewish Education for Adolescents and Emerging Adults from HUC-JIR in the mail. An entire summer and fall have passed since I completed my coursework, and life after this program has begun. This new certificate will soon be proudly displayed on my wall in my office at the American Hebrew Academy, an international Jewish boarding school in Greensboro, North Carolina. Founded in 1996, the Academy was established to provide an outstanding co-educational college preparatory program and Jewish secondary education to intellectually motivated and high achieving Jewish teenagers from around the world. In addition to being the Administrative Coordinator for Student and Jewish Life and a teacher in the Jewish Studies department, I have the honor of being the House Parent for approximately twenty freshmen and sophomore girls.

As I entered my third year at the Academy last year, I knew I wanted to continue my education. I loved the Academy’s ability to create a unique Jewish environment, truly blending formal and experiential learning in a way that I had never seen before.  When the new Certificate Program was announced, I jumped at the opportunity presented to me and applied.

My HUC-JIR program was cohort-based, in addition to being a combination of face-to-face seminars and distance learning. We met as a cohort in person three times during the year in addition to taking online courses via videoconferencing technology. Our very first class, taught by Dr. Betsy Stone ( a warm, funny and charismatic psychotherapist and HUC-JIR adjunct faculty member), focused on adolescent development and emerging adulthood. Fascinated to learn the science behind the teenage brain, I began to create a knowledge base of adolescent psychology based on fact, rather than my own personal experiences. My favorite lesson I learned from Betsy defined the term “emerging adult.” As we learned about the identifying characteristics of emerging adulthood, such as marriage, job stability, kids, and so on, I came to a slightly terrifying realization. This was about me but I hadn’t yet achieved any of the abovementioned milestones! I was not alone in my realization as the younger part of our cohort came to the same conclusion, while the more mature end of our cohort probably giggled as we panicked. The most interesting fact of the day came at the end of the class; your brain doesn’t really finish developing until you are 25 years old! In fact, emerging adults are really just teenagers without the raging hormones.

When I heard these facts about brains still growing until this age it was if a light bulb went off in my head. The Academy has a Fellowship program designed for recent college graduates to work and live on campus with students doing social, educational and Jewish programming with the students. In return, they gain work experience by having various internships on campus geared towards their interests. We expect that these staff members are adults, regardless of where they are developmentally. My HUC-JIR course has resulted in me giving serious thought to the idea of restructuring our program with the understanding that emerging adults have different needs than adults.

This past summer, when it came time to brainstorm for a keynote speaker for our Student Life Staff Orientation, it was a “no–brainer” (no pun intended!) My campus invited Dr. Stone to spend several of our sessions teaching about adolescent development and counseling skills to enable us to better work with our students. My time learning at HUC-JIR has already extended beyond the virtual classroom. I am still in close contact with my cohort, amazed by the bonds we developed in just nine months.

Kelly Kossar is the Administrative Coordinator for Student & Jewish Life, a synagogue skills teacher and Beit Shalom (Freshman & Sophomore Girls) House Parent for 20 awesome teens at the American Hebrew Academy (http://www.americanhebrewacademy.org), an international Jewish boarding school in Greensboro, North Carolina. In her non-existent free time she enjoys singing, learning guitar, figuring out how to transition from being an emerging adult to adulthood and blogging at http://www.reformingjew.blogspot.com