I have no feelings

There has been a running joke in my program, that I don’t have any feelings. Several people on my program outwardly express their emotions on a regular basis. I probably have just as many feelings as my peers, I just don’t express them on a regular basis.

Here is a feeling for you: anger.

I am angry with the community in which I was raised-my synagogue, youth group, camp, etc. How is it that I am a 28 year old committed Jew, and this is the first time in my life I am meeting Palestinians? Why is the word "Nakba" being introduced to me for the first time this semester?

This worries me when thinking about the future of Jewish education  and Israel education. If I am a committed Jew and am finally being presented with multiple narratives about Israel in my late 20's, what happens to all of my peers who went to Hebrew School with me and stopped their education at their Bar or Bat Mitzvah? It is no wonder that so few liberal Jews feel like they have a relationship with Israel. If they don't buy into the Israel of sunshine and falafel, the relationship ends before it really begins.

I did it myself this summer. I did a poor job of facilitating Israel education at camp. I had originally intended for Israel education to be infused in camp. Instead, we had Yom Yisrael- a day set aside to "celebrate Israel". Campers spent the afternoon rotating between different Israel themed activities, the vast majority of which were lacking any significant content. I was asked to lead Israeli dancing. How many Israelis do you know that actually do Israeli dancing? It's similar to trying to find Americans that square dance on a regular basis.

How do so many Jewish professionals continue to portray Israel as a Jewish Disney World, while having a nuanced understanding of Israel? This seems like it is a dishonest form of "education". If we were to teach multiple narratives about Israel at the beginning of one's education, what would happen? One worries that people will reject Israel. This has to be an acceptable decision that someone arrives at. We expect our learners to be critical thinkers in every other area of Judaism. Biblical criticism is widely accepted as a valid form of study. Why do we want people to be uncritical of Israel?

I believe that it is possible to hold multiple narratives, love Israel and struggle with all that comes with a relationship with this crazy land.

My leadership style

Upon graduation, my Rabbi from college gave me the gift of a book about Jewish mentoring. He knew that I was moving to North Carolina to guide teens on their Jewish journey. I think that this was his way of saying that it was my turn to be a mentor.

On the inside front cover, he wrote me a message along with a quote that has really stuck with me:
"Rabbi Eleazer says, any leader who leads the community gently, will merit leading them in the World To Come". -Sanhedrin
(I don't have the book with me in Israel, so that might not be the actual quote, but it's close).

It has taken me a long time to become comfortable with my leadership style. I am not the loudest one in the room. I do not typically like being the center of attention. I prefer to lead from within, rather than in front of a group. In youth group, camp and similar settings, my introverted nature is often seen as quiet or shy. At times it has been frustrating that my "voice" is not heard, just because I do not enjoy competing for air space.

Since starting graduate school, I have begun to embrace who I am. I no longer feel pressure to be a stereotypical leader. In college when I worked at camp, I found myself not being offered the higher camp positions I wanted. I believe that this may have been in part due to my leadership style, which is often not valued as much in youth settings. This past summer at a different camp was a real test for my leadership style. My position required me to be in front of the entire camp often. I feel that my lack of interest in being front and center contributed to the success of my Education team this past summer. It allowed me to create space for my other team members to lead and grow in their own roles.

While some past supervisors have encouraged me to be more of a stereotypical leader, I think my "gentle leadership" is one of my strengths. I hope that other young people who identify with my type of leadership are lucky enough to have people who see them for who they are, and can help them be heard.

Thank you to all of my mentors who continue to lovingly push me to be the best "me" that I can be.