On Loss and Faith

This weekend marks the first yartzeit of Jonah Dreskin, an integral part of the Kutz community. I met Jonah's parents at Kutz before I really had the chance to get to know Jonah himself. Jonah's parents are the kind of people who, for me, scream Kutz. They are innovative, passionate people alway available to serve the communities they are a part of. My heart broke when I heard the news of Jonah's death. His parents are the type of people who I would feel comfortable turning to in a time like this. What happens when those people are the ones who need support the most? I often wonder, as an aspiring Rabbi, how one balances personal challenges in a public role.

I clearly remember sitting in the Hillel office about a year ago, and seeing an e-mail from Kutz in my inbox. I figured an e-mail announcing the death of someone from the community would mean perhaps an elderly alum had  died. I scanned the e-mail, shocked to read Jonah's name. I first met Jonah when I was working at Kutz in the winter and he was participating in a NFTY-NAR event. Always the one everyone looked up to, Jonah really found his place in NFTY. I watched him transform from that young NFTYite to a confident Kutz staff member. During my last summer at Kutz, there was a time during staff week when the dining hall manager became sick, and I was asked to step in and keep the dining hall running. Jonah was working as kitchen staff, and finding it challenging to work with a particular co-worker. At one point, a screaming match erupted. Instead of engaging in a fight, Jonah approached me for help. His maturity and genuine desire to just do his job well was extremely impressive.

When news traveled that Jonah had died, I felt so far away from the rest of my camp community. Kutz had a sort of mini memorial service via conference call before Shabbat came in that weekend. I sat alone in the Hillel lounge, listening to familiar camp voices on the conference call, crying and full of questions. Following the conference call I attended KESHER services at my Hillel. Several students who knew Jonah at different points in his life attended the service. We spent some time sharing memories, and finding some comfort in each others company. While we all knew Jonah from different places, we each had those same bits of Jonah memories to make us smile (and cry.)  I couldn't help but start asking questions, during that service and so many times more in this past year. Why do young people die? Why would God let something like this happen? Weeks following, I sat up late at night wondering if Jonah was okay, wherever his soul was now.

 As the days, weeks, and months passed, stories of Jonah floated across cyberspace. It is incredible to watch Jonah's memory stay alive so strongly. Pictures, videos, music, and stories keep Jonah's spirit with us. I hope that Jonah's close friends and family are comforted by memories and love that surrounds them. He has left me with the desire to make the people most important in my life know just how important they are to me. The Kutz community is near and dear to my heart, and a loss like this leaves makes such an impact on each and every one of us.

This weekend also happens to be the yartzeit of my Mom's best friend. She had a two sons, and and a deceased stepdaughter and deceased husband. So much death in such a short time to one family. I used to to firmly believe that everything happened for a reason. My Mom's best friends family was like our extended family. We used to spend a lot of holidays together, and I have fond memories of Passover seders where her husband designed a personalized seder, managing to incorporate everyone and their personalities into the meal. There is no way that this was meant to be. So much sickness and pain for one family- I just can't believe that this was God's plan. Does that mean that God wasn't there? God didn't care?

These loses in my life have really changed my view on God, and my relationship to God. I don't believe that God chooses who lives and who dies. I do, however, think that God provides the love, support, tools, and community one needs to learn how to live, grow, and honor the memory of their loved ones.

May Jonah and Amy's memories be for a blessing.